The overwhelming majority of “mini courses” offered at Norris this year have been bad. Some might even argue they are an insult to our intelligence as Northwestern students. Beginner Guitar? Waste of time. Wine Appreciation? Pretentious. Drawing and the Color Wheel? Downright offensive. Perhaps the reason these courses are called “mini” is because the morons who conceived of them have miniature, teeny-tiny, pea-sized brains. Yet, amidst this dense fog of abhorrent academia, there are a few hidden gems — some rare, must-take courses found deep in the building’s ancient catacombs. To aid you in your pursuit of educational excellence, we’ve gathered the very best, top-notch, creme de la creme of courses offered at Norris this year.
Mud Wrestling
Ever feel the need to get down and dirty in some stinky, slippery sludge, all while trying to eviscerate your enemies with a gut-busting elbow drop or two? This is the course for you, bro! The inaugural season of the Norris Xtreme Professional Mud Wrestling League (NXPMWL for short) starts SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY. Join your expert personal trainer, two-time undisputed mud rasslin’ world heavyweight champion Billy “Beef Brain” Hendrix, for a deep dive into the ins and outs of pig pen PAIN. Learn signature moves like the diving pork chop, the atomic belly flop and the triple inverted intestinal suplex (The quadruple inverted intestinal suplex was banned for safety reasons). Got what it takes? TIME TO GET MUDDIN’. And just as Beef Brain’s infamous catchphrase goes, “If it ain’t mud, it ain’t crud. See YOU in the mud pit, weakling!!”
Mud provided.
Disclaimer: Northwestern University takes no responsibility for bruises, bunions, lacerations, wounds, parasites, flesh-eating amoebas or any other possible injuries attained during this course or at the hands of Billy "Beef Brain" Hendrix.
Marijuana Masterchef
You smoke? Noice. Same. Do you ever find yourself post-toke in the kitchen at 3 a.m. like, contemplating life while jamming to whale noises and pairing peanut butter with dill pickles? Same dude. You may very well be a connoisseur of cannabis cuisine. Come chill with us in this crash course on how to bake and get baaaaaked, from THC brownies to marijuana meatloaf. Set the stovetop burner to “high” and get started today.
Class Syllabus:
Week 1: Sativa Shrimp Scampi
Week 2: Indica Indian Curry
Week 3: Kush Calamari
Week 4: Mary Jane Matzo Ball Soup
Week 5: Reefer Red Beans and Rice
Week 6: Mixed Greens Ganja Salad
Week 7: Pot Pumpkin Pie
BYOW. Week 3 will feature guest lecturer Snoop Dogg (via Zoom).
Introduction to Writing Erotic Literature
Warm blue ink seeps from the pen and penetrates the skin of the paper, flowing hard but gently into an undulating river of words. Words that start as mere seeds deep in the temporal lobe blossom into beautiful poetry and prose. But not far from those seeds are intense desires, fantasies and secrets, tied up and locked away firmly in the bending cylinder of the hippocampus. In this course, you will learn to untie those subconscious thoughts begging and pleading to be set free and allow them to finally shine on paper in their raw, naked glory.
If interested, please contact the instructor, Prof. Grey.
Disclaimer: This course is not endorsed by the English Department and DOES NOT count toward the creative writing major or minor.
Moonshine Distillin’
Reckon you ever feel madder than a wet hen, no bigger than a minnow in a fishin’ pond, just darn near about ready to kick the can till the cows come home? Well, butter my buns and call me a biscuit ‘cause I sure do declare I have the opportunidy for you! Lucky my old man had the gumption to create his one-of-a-kind, good ole ass-kickin’ “mountain dew”! I swear this moonshine’s so strong it’s sure to put some whiskers on yer chin. Now I need a few good, still hands to help me with the stir stick, turnip stills and the like. Availerbel jobs listed below.
Puzitions Availerbel:
‘Shine Taster
Mash Musher
Dubbler Bubbler
Fiddel Player (for my personel entertainment while the shine’s distillin)
Propane Runner
Lookout (for Johnny Law)
Scapegoat (for when Johnny Law catches us)
If interested, please visit Old Man Wilkinson on Norris East Lawn.
Disclaimer: Northwestern University’s Alcohol Amnesty Policy does not cover incidents related to the production, distribution or consumption of moonshine.
Virtual Reality Cane Toad Spear Hunting
Want to help Australia limit the spread of one of their most invasive species? Join Northwestern University in our environmentally-conscious efforts to exterminate the poisonous and ecologically devastating cane toad (virtually, of course). Strap on your VR headset, grab your virtual spear and get to hunting! Our team of game designers have created the most accurate virtual cane toad hunting simulation to date. This experience will take you across the Australian Outback where you will track, stalk and spear cane toads one by one. But crikey, be careful mate! Those little buggers have quite the hippity hop in ‘em! Can you beat the current record for fastest successful cane toad hunt (4.25 hours)? Rack up points for cane toad kills and redeem them at Norris for rewards!
All proceeds will go to the Cane Toad Elimination Society of Australia. Points redeemable at the Market Salad Bar and the Environmental Science section of the Norris Bookstore.
Mime School
The mimes insisted (nonverbally) on keeping the course description blank.