The world’s largest disappointment

When you hear “World’s Largest Starbucks,” your mind starts spinning with images of exotic Italian coffee beans and tasty pastries. When you hear that this Starbucks is located in Downtown Chicago, 30 minutes away from Northwestern’s campus on Michigan Ave., you start ITCHING to go…

…. don’t.

Initial Impressions

The building is undoubtedly cool — that’s honestly the best part. We would recommend stopping in to at least walk around and take a roof flic, but you can most definitely leave after that. To be honest, it could’ve stayed a Crate & Barrel (yeah ik. this sick building used to hold the world’s premier patio furniture).

Baristas

We decided the more Bohemian you dress, the higher chance you have of getting hired here. You should look like you work at an Anthropologie that also sells coffee. Our favorite barista was, as Ava eloquently phrased it, more a military drill sergeant than a coffee maker. Fitted up in black eyeliner, a red beanie decked out with cause pins and bleach blond hair that is seconds away from causing Alopecia, we hope that he has a successful career in, as Starbucks describes it, “expanding the boundaries of the coffee craft.”

Ava’s Review

I tried the smoked salmon and cream cheese on a seeded cornetto. Trying fish at Starbucks was admittedly a bold choice, but shockingly, it was pretty good and didn’t give me food poisoning! The salmon tasted relatively fresh, the cornetto had a nice texture and the entire sandwich didn’t feel like it was frozen and reheated — unlike most food from their chain locations. To be fair, this was my first meal of the day after a night out, so maybe it’s just the hangover talking (hahahahaha get the pun??).

Rating: 7.5/10

Sarah’s Review

My first time at the Starbucks Reserve resembled more an amusement park than a café: grueling lines, mediocre eats and baristas who could have fooled me for cartoon characters. That said, I did like the experience. I ordered a cold brew coffee with ube coconut cold foam and a caprese sandwich. Worth the sketchy Uber? No. Worth the caffeine buzz on 4/20 when I felt too guilty to spend Easter high? Maybe. The drink didn’t taste like ube or coconut, but I loved the touch of purple (#purplepride). As for the Caprese, well, I’ll just say I know what killed the Pope. An Italian disgrace.

Rating: 7/10

Heidi’s Review

Unfortunately, I have been here before. The Toffeenut Bianco Latte is why. I think they must have put some nitrous oxide in it because it’s just so gas. I’ve ordered the pastries before, and admittedly, they are pretty good too. They’re no North Side of Boston, but are definitely a level above a cookies and cream cake pop or iced lemon loaf. This time, I got the pizza to be different — I figured I would really test out Starbucks’ Italian roots. Turns out Starbucks shares Italian roots with DiGiorno’s. It’s nice that chewy stuffed crust frozen pizza runs in the family.

Rating: 6.25/10

Final Thoughts

Is this better than a normal Starbucks? Yes. Is it better than literally any other coffee shop in Chicago that isn’t a Starbucks or Dunkin’? No. 95% of our time at this Starbucks was spent waiting in line, and an elderly woman almost threw hands with us when a family gave up their table to us rather than her (don’t you know that the youth is the future, woman???). Not only that, but we had to sell our organs to fund this trip; between the Ubers to and from campus, and the food and coffee that at these prices may as well have been made from pure gold, we’re broke. We are now accepting Venmo and kidney donations.