As we inch closer and closer to the Iowa caucus, the number of Democratic presidential candidates on the debate stage has dwindled from an overwhelming 29 to a mere six. But, for many Democrats, moderates and progressives alike, as the field gets smaller, their choice candidate becomes less clear. Luckily for them, we have composed a brief, cohesive ranking of the remaining candidates based solely on one of the most indisputable, integral, and indubitable parts of modern American life — their eyebrows.
6. Biden: Scabs. Simultaneously angry grey scabs and wisping away into nothingness. Much like Biden himself, they’re not appealing, but they’ll work if they really have to.
5. Bernie: DIDN’T THEY USED TO BE BUSHIER? A disappointment honestly. Hint to Bernie: go to Warby Parker and get glasses that won’t block the brow. An updated style might boost your polling amongst young people even more, plus the shadow of these outdated spectacles makes it look like you’re carrying two Birkin bags underneath your eyes. If you’re trying to appeal to the working class you have to be conscious of these things.
4. Steyer: the best of all the old white guys, although it was hard to tell with his small amount of screen time — why is he in these again? He has the money to keep his brows tidy. However, while undoubtedly well-shaped, they’ve practically faded away — Steyer should take a hint and follow suit.
3. Warren: the least controversial. If you connected her brows in the middle they would be a bird in flight. Very “grandma at the beauty salon,” and that’s probably what happened honestly. She’s been using the same eyebrow pencil brand for 20 years, but if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
2. Buttigieg: “A” for effort. We’ve all snuck into our mom’s medicine cabinet and stole her eyebrow pencil, watched a Youtube tutorial and prayed for the best. This is the most millennial thing about Buttigieg. While his eyebrows were unquestioningly janky, they provided us with a main point of conversation throughout the night.
1. Klobuchar: This may be the one and only ranking that Klobuchar will ever top. Klobuchar’s eyebrows are the embodiment of the “Midwestern values” she advocates for. Dynamic. Engaging. Bold. Fierce. Hearty. Arched. Bouncing. Possibly tattooed? The world may never know.
Article thumbnail ("Elizabeth Warren" by Gage Skidmore) licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0