Graphic by Nozizwe Msipa / North by Northwestern.

Editor's Note: The views presented in this story belong to the writers for the sole purpose of satirical comedy, and are not necessarily reflective of North by Northwestern as a whole.

*Cue a sorority girl informing me that it’s actually called “sisterhood quad”

It was a chilly winter morning when a flock of Canada geese descended upon the sorority quad. This ominous sight isn’t the first line of a horror movie – or is it? No, this is something far worse: Rush Week at Northwestern. All South campus travelers beware, because the brunettes (because we’re more diverse than an SEC school) are migrating south to find their new forever sisters.

We survived rush week this Winter and came out stronger (read: covered in glitter). But we wouldn’t leave the rest of South campus to face this alone. So here are some tips and tricks to avoid the masses of slow-walking, Super-Puff ™-wearing and endlessly squealing pledge girls next year.

1. The treacherous commute

If you’re late to class, avoid the quad at all costs. You’ll be dodging piles of coats outside every door and clusters of girls rotating houses during pref rounds. If you think you’re early, trust us you’re not. You will be met with multi-layered resistance upon leaving the safety of your dorm. Left and right, there is a new line of way-too energetic-for-a-9 a.m.-Saturday-morning pledges congesting the entire sidewalk. We recommend adding at least an extra hour to your commute to combat this phenomena.

2. The dinnertime drama

This will be the best week for you to finally use those meal exchanges, because the girlies are going to swarm the Allison Dining Hall in their summer dresses and winter coats (we know, an odd combination). If you do happen to make the bold choice to eat in Allison, you’ll have dinner with a side of tea. Who’s in? Who’s out? Who cried? Who made everyone else cry? Was my outfit cute enough? Wasn’t everyone sooooo nice? You’re bound to hear all this and more while you suffer through your dry chicken (which may or may not give you food poisoning).

3. The late night spectacle

Finally, the night of nights arrives, and the sororities go all out. Balloons, competing Y2K pop hits and a conga line of girls herding into their new home. As tempting as this spectacle is, your best bet is to hunker down in your own dorm. For those of you who live in the warzone (‘sko Woos), settle in and don’t bother opening your windows – it’s hard enough to drown out their excited screams. These women will be caffeinated, persistent and equipped with sparkly markers of every color, so stay out of the crossfire.

4. The social media takeover

After the girls receive their bids, it’s time to mute your Instagram notifications for the next week. PSA, no person who’s not rushing really cares where your “forever home” is. Like actually, stop please. Live your best life with your sisters, heaven knows you’re paying enough for it, but some of us want to scroll through Instagram without seeing uncomfy sorority squat posts over and over again.

In all seriousness, sleepy South Campus would bore us all to death without you sorority girls. Though we poke fun, at the end of the day, girlbosses recognize girlbosses. So we’ll speed walk around you, invest in noise-canceling headphones and click through your nauseatingly cute flood of Instagram photos. All we ask is that you keep the locals in mind and please, stop taking up the entire damn sidewalk.