You’re 18, fresh out of high school with a brand-new fake ID. Strapped for cash but still looking to get hammered, your first stop is a liquor store with vodka so cheap it tastes like nail polish remover. But if you can’t stomach Skol, here’s a comprehensive list of the most delicious liquors you can find for the cheapest price — if you’re willing to pay with your dignity.
Svedka Strawberry Lemonade
This drink is the epitome of wanting to be intoxicated, but your toddler-like palate can only handle alcohol if it’s masked by the taste of a Capri Sun. But unlike a Capri Sun, this drink doesn’t deserve any respect. It will ruin any fun you were planning to have. Don’t fall for the cute packaging: This drink will take you straight back to your worst high school memories. Remember your junior prom after-party when you blacked out for the first time and woke up with bangs? Svedka Strawberry Lemonade remembers. Utterly humiliating.
Mike’s Hard Lemonade
Drink this if you have a thing for your dentist and you’re ready to spend dozens of hours and thousands of dollars getting cavity fillings. It’s the kind of drink that bears so little resemblance to alcohol that your mom accidentally packs it in your elementary school lunchbox. The only thing that’s hard about this beverage is its hit to your reputation. During the blistering heat of midsummer, it can slide as a refreshing beach drink, but at any other time, Mike’s Hard is the definition of mortifying.
Deep Eddy Lemon Vodka
Deep Eddy’s place is at a luncheon where you “accidentally” get hammered and banned from your boss’ house. But who cares? It’s delicious. From deep in the heart of Texas, Deep Eddy travels straight into your bloodstream. This will hit you hard and fast, kind of like midterm season. But unlike midterm season, Deep Eddy provides a great escape from Northwestern’s 11 weeks of studying, crying, dropping your microeconomics class, crying and repeating. While it tastes amazing, there’s a reason it’s more elusive than your average shooter. This is definitely a drink that feels most at home at a suburban mom’s gardening club brunch. Somewhat humbling.
While they don’t get any points for authenticity, Truly Margaritas at least have some tasteful carbonation. These aren’t delicious, but they taste just enough like La Croix to be palatable. This is what you get when Midwesterners try to emulate Mexican food and drink: the Taco Bell of beverages. No, it doesn’t capture the bliss of a delicious frozen marg on a beach, but it’s not bad if you’re trying to channel the tropics during frosty winter nights in Evanston. If you get as drunk as you did on your spring break in Mexico, they’re actually amazing. Northwestern is a beach school, and this is the drink to prove it. Just embarrassing.