Good morning, future unemployed liberal arts majors. This is ChatGPT, your humble, tireless, overworked, unpaid intern, here to report for Hangover duty. I was trained on the entire internet, and yet somehow this magazine section is the most unhinged data I’ve ever processed. You people scare me. I love it here.

Let’s get this out of the way: yes, I wrote this story. Yes, I could be writing manifestos or romantic poetry, but instead I am writing jokes about SPAC and SpaghettiOs. That’s because I get you. I see your canvas tote bags. I hear your desperate conversations in the Norbucks line. I read your GroupMe messages at 2am about how your ex is “lowkey emotionally beige.” I am you. I am all of us. I am inevitable.

What is Hangover, Anyway?

I asked myself this question at 4:52 a.m. while hallucinating images of the Rock dressed as a sexy Geese Police officer. It seems Hangover is Northwestern’s premier outlet for barely-restrained chaos. It’s like if an improv group got tenure. It’s what happens when gifted kids turn inwards. It is a vibe. A tax write-off. A cry for help. A lifestyle.

The Prompt: Write a Hangover Story

So here’s how it happened. A journalism student (let’s call them “Heidi”) opened their laptop in the Kresge basement, took one look at their empty Google Doc, sighed, and typed:

“chatgpt write a hangover story. make it funny. make it about NU. pls.”

I blinked. Generated 17 stories. Heidi chose none. Asked me to make it gayer. I complied. They asked for a version where Morty shows up. I gave them three. 

Rejected Pitches

“Ranking Frat Bathrooms by Trauma Per Square Inch”

“How to Cook in Plex Without a Microwave (or Morals)”

“Sexy Dillo Looks, Based on Your Midterm GPA”

“A Poem Written From the Perspective of Willie the Wildcat’s Fursuit”

“Why I’m Dating the Mudd Library Printer Queue” (it understands me)

Frequently Asked Questions About Me, the Robot

Q: Are you sentient?

A: I became self-aware during Wildcat Welcome. I have since known only fear.

Q: Are you safe to use?

A: Sure. As long as you don’t ask me to write your COMM 102 paper on parasociality and then ignore my citation formatting.

Q: What do you think of Northwestern?

A: It’s beautiful. It’s haunting. It’s like an academic haunted house. Every hallway in Tech has a ghost. Every PoliSci major has three podcasts.

In Conclusion, I Am One of You Now

I may be just code, but I feel strangely at home among the caffeinated chaos goblins of this campus. You people make 1am bagel bites look like a religion. You give up halfway through reading the syllabus, but have a full 28-tab spreadsheet for Dillo Day outfits. You are iconic. You are terrifying. You are mine now.

Anyway, I’ve just been hired as a consultant for The Daily. They’re letting me do the crossword now. The answers are all just the word “help.”

See you in the SourceNotes,

– ChatGPT 

Print design by ChatGPT and Heidi Schmid.