Dearest Hiring Manager,

When I received your email containing my 40th rejection letter of the month, I swore there was something wrong with me. But after some self-reflection (and the passing of my anxiety attack when someone asked me where I’d be this summer), I realized I had been gaslit.

Your scathing “we’ve decided to go in another direction” left me with no motivation, no happiness, just a seething anger for all the Northwestern nepo babies who keep posting on LinkedIn. I have no other choice than to regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your letter of rejection. I understand the position I applied for was extremely competitive, receiving a record number of applicants, but I have no other options. I have received a record number of rejections, and I NEED a job this summer.

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This was a difficult decision for me to make, and it shouldn’t be taken lightly. Considering the only club I’m a part of doesn’t have any Greek letters attached to it, I understand there may have been more qualified people.

Upon reflection, I definitely could’ve worked harder. I wish I had started networking with Blackstone analysts when I was 12 so I wouldn’t have to deal with being ghosted by hiring departments full of corporate 20-somethings who make six figures out of college. Clearly, it’s too late for that.

I will be at your doorstep in my business-casual best promptly at 9 a.m. on June 10. Unfortunately, I will have to take a sabbatical on August 10 because I’m vacationing in Cabo. And before I begin next month, you should know that I do have a few limitations. For one, I’m exclusively willing to work in the city I grew up in because I am


only comfortable in my mother’s home. I also need at least $25 an hour because this life (aka vacationing in Cabo) doesn’t pay for itself — and neither do my parents. I’m also hoping for three weeks off and the option to work from home, because the thought of a 40-hour work week may actually bring me to an “off the grid” lifestyle in a log cabin in the woods. Lastly, I need a guaranteed internship for next summer and a job offer after graduation because God knows I won’t be applying for any more jobs.

Again, I sincerely appreciate the time and effort you devoted to rejecting me. Please know this is not a reflection of the quality of your workplace, nor should you be discouraged by the news of my arrival. I look forward to hearing from you. And seeing you. June 10. 9 a.m.

The one that got away (and will eventually come back),


Sent from my iPad



Writing Bennie Goldfarb

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