Zoom poses an existential threat to any student who cares about fashion. Without the ability to flex those new Jordans or tout your Canada Goose, all Northwestern students could use a little help spicing up their Zoom outfits (even though you all keep your cameras off and mics muted anyway). For those who want to stunt, this is for you.
Mullet Magic
Mullets pose an age-old question: Is business in the front, party in the back truly attainable? Mullets represent the duality of human life: beauty and disgust, clean-cut yet ever so flowy, business but simultaneously party. With classes online, making risqué choices is the name of the game. Invite your favorite barber into your garage, gossip about how cute Peyton Ramsey is and wait until class to show off the beast on your head. Pro tip: wear a hat for the first hour of class, then take it off dramatically (or inconspicuously). Drama x mullet = incalculable popularity.
WWE (Wild Wildcat Entrance)
Did WWE Legend Stone Cold Steve Austin just enter the Zoom? No, that was just Jimmy from COMP_SCI 111. If you want to make a statement, you need to turn that Zoom meeting into a full-blown WWE entrance. You need to go to Walmart and buy a WWE belt. You need your mom doing a manual strobe light with the flashlight from downstairs. You need an entrance song. (Mine? Definitely “Crazy in Love.” No shame.) Pro tip: For added suspense, play the intro of your song while the camera is still off, whip out the belt and get ready to maybe (probably) get kicked out of your Zoom.
Ice on Ice on Silly Bandz
Take a walk down Sheridan, and you’ll see lots of Gucci belts, Louis V purses and the occasional Gap graphic tee. But, oh no honey, that’s not drip. Ice comes in packs of 20 from your local Walmart. Flood your wrist with Silly Bandz and flex on all your classmates every time you raise your hand to engage in meaningful discussion (because you are a Good Northwestern StudentTM). I guarantee your teacher will put some respect on your name when they see that misshapen elephant and lime green penguin on your forearm. Pro tip: Silly Bandz look best when you also throw on a shade of neon Kanye glasses.
Riley Lees
Looking like the hometown football star has never been so easy. In just two easy steps, YOU can become fourth-year wide receiver Riley Lees. First, order a fake mustache. The mustache must be just bushy enough to justify its existence but not cool enough for someone to be like “Damn, that boy has a nice mustache.” Second, do not groom yourself for a month. This requires dedication, but all art does. Now, all you have to do is show up for class and change your boring-ass name to “RILEY LEES” on Zoom. For the rest of the quarter, your teacher will think you’re on a date with Coach Fitz. Pro tip: If you have a class with Riley Lees, I would highly recommend pulling this one on him. It would be timeless and a great laugh for everyone else.