It's almost summer, and I still don't have an internship! PLEASE help me figure out what I should do. I'm an econ major with a marketing certificate, but nowhere I applied to has responded!

So you need an internship, huh? Well, lucky for you, I happen to be a marketing expert and extremely qualified business consultant. My experience has included multiple positions at major corporations from Silicon Valley to Hong Kong. I speak seven languages (including Latin) and have patented more than 20 products. My most recent product, the automatic peanut butter sandwich decruster, secured nine different awards, including first place at the Washington Middle School Science Fair. My TEDx talk on the economy of the Great Barrier Reef received a standing ovation. Anyway, looks like I've hit my word limit. Hope this helps!

I looked at my ancestry.com results, and AND is literally in my DNA! What can I do to make my overworked schedule everyone else's problem?

You just have so much on your plate, I get it. Here's some advice:

• When making plans, exclaim with a deep, pent-up sigh of exasperation, “I don't have the time! With a cappella, tutoring my nephew and managing stocks, you'll never see me again!”
• Bring up somebody from a club in every conversation. There's always a way to slide in some inside joke from your chemistry study group that nobody else understands. Oh sorry, I forgot you wouldn't get it.
• Go to every event you said you'd be too busy for but complain about work the entire time. Say something self-deprecating, slightly jitter. Are you stable? No. Is the attention on you? Absolutely.

My dorm has a spider problem, but I'm vegan. How can I get rid of them while still being woke about animal rights?

Hi gorgeous, I totally feel your pain. Spiders are more populous at this school than nepotism babies. Here are a few ways to get rid of them without dirtying one of your vegan leather sandals:

• Tell them you're an econ major with a BIP certificate. If this doesn't send them running, they're probably also finance-oriented and might respond to bribery.
• Blast the playlist your high school boyfriend made you. The sappy Snow Patrol hits and angsty Green Day classics will scare them away or give them a knack for gaslighting.
• Start reading your philosophy assignments out loud. You'll either lull them to sleep or they'll decide your room being private property is unjust.

I've had three coats stolen from Reza's. My parents have had to buy four Canada Goose jackets, and I'm worried about losing the next one. What can I do to keep my coat?

Many students, including yours truly, have been victims of Reza's coat thieves. Here are some simple things you can do to keep your coat at the club:

• Stop bringing a coat. You may be cold, but those chilly arms come with the comforting knowledge that you have outsmarted even the wiliest thieves. If they want your coat, they'll have to pull off an elaborate Ocean's 11 heist from your room in Sargent.
• Wear the gaudiest coat you can get your hands on, but watch out for theater kids using it as a prop for a tequila-fueled Hamilton bit.
• Give your coat to the skeleton — but if you start having premonitions about your death, take the coat back. And hurry.