Patient name: Tabor Brewster
Instructions: The Fall Quarter first-year I used to be was somehow capable of pounding brewskis nightly without physical or emotional reproach the next morning. But after two and a half years of what seems like rapid bodily decay, those days are long gone. Luckily, through trial and error, I’ve found a few remedies to combat the weekend weakener:
Step 1: Get up. If you stay in bed, you’re bound to be in pain and agony for hours on end.
Step 2: Alka-Seltzer. Drop one in water and taste the soothing fizz.
Step 3: Enrich your mind with some Hemingway, Dickens or any of the Brontës.
Step 4: Eat something. Anything will do. You just need to get something in your stomach that’s not alcohol. My favorite is a dill pickle or one of those Uncrustables sandwiches.
Step 5: Shower. Take a nice hot shower to wash away all your sweat, grime and sins.
Step 6: Watch Cars 2.
Step 7: Get out of the house. Take a walk to somewhere that’s not where you live, just to get your mind off of how bad you feel.
Step 8 (last resort): Drink again. If it’s been a whole day and you still feel like shit, quit while you’re ahead. Get drunk enough and you won’t be hungover anymore.
Patient name: Julia Lucas
Instructions: Hangovers are a perfect excuse to indulge in some of life’s greatest pleasures while experiencing some of its greatest pains. A delicate stomach ravaged by pangs of hangover hunger can be tempered by a full plate of Sarge tater tots, but the breakfast table recap of the previous night’s events might just make you extra nauseous. So, if you can’t get your hands on a magical hangover-fixer elixir, here are some other ways to rejuvenate the hungover mind, body and soul:
Step 1: Lie face down on your dorm room rug, which is mysteriously crunchy and still has a blue Jell-O shot mashed into it.
Step 2: Take a cold shower, specifically in the elusive Mudd showers.
Step 3: Ask a Norbucks worker to smack you across the face with one of the frozen breakfast burritos.
Step 4: Catch a Lakefill fish and grill it at the made-to-order station in Sarge.
Step 5: Build a blanket fort that’s bigger than Tech, making it the largest low-rise building based on square footage in the nation, behind The Pentagon.
Step 6: Take a hit from your neighbor’s bong, but it’s filled with Pedialyte instead of water.
Step 7: Order the MOD chocolate cake.
If none of these options work, spike a green juice and stay drunk.
Patient name: Andrew Kwa
Instructions: Okay, full disclosure: I’ve actually never had a hangover. Whether that’s because I have the Dionysian alcohol tolerance of 17 heavyweight Irish men or because I’ve never actually had more than a few sips of the forbidden juice at a time is for you to decide. As such, I’ve prepared my infallible step-by-step process for curing your hangovers by cobbling together the advice of my friends, pure conjecture and several TED Talks on entrepreneurship.
Step 1: Wake up before the crack of dawn and take a cold shower. The rush of satisfaction that comes with adhering to the work schedule of 19th century farmers will help take your mind off of your pounding headache. If you have partied past dawn’s crack, resign yourself to having a hangover for the rest of the day. I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Step 2: Invest in cryptocurrency. The rush of adrenaline that comes with being your own boss and making fast, easy money will help shock your body out of its drunken stupor.
Step 3: Purchase an acai bowl, take a picture with it and post it to your Instagram story with some cute stickers. Then, throw away your acai bowl and treat yourself to some real food from your favorite fast food chain.