Since Northwestern has shot up the national rankings (did you know that we’re #6?!), even earning the moniker of a “new Ivy,” we might as well start acting like one. I mean, the government’s already treating us that way — hello, student loan interest rates and federal funding freezes. The Ivies are famously stuck-up institutions, self-absorbed in their “historic” traditions and bloated brand recognition (I definitely wasn’t waitlisted from Yale), but there is one tradition Northwestern could stand to adopt: secret societies. Greek life is a joke here anyway, so let’s quit cosplaying Big Ten frat bros and start acting like the top 6 institution we are.

Naturally, our secret societies would need a fittingly ridiculous name. Princeton has its eating clubs. Harvard has its final clubs. So why not us? Kitty Cat Clubs. It’s perfect — a nod to our purple pride, and honestly, who wouldn’t want to claw their way into that? Besides, now that President Schill is axing DEI initiatives, there’s some prime real estate opening up on Sheridan in the old multicultural houses. Of course, if we’re aiming for something more covert, we could always descend into the Bobb basement — I hear there are some unclaimed, possibly haunted rooms down there.

As for membership? Only the pick of the litter, naturally. Picture it: Nick Martinelli, Sarah Bock, the highlighter guy, that one kid who keeps going viral on Fizz, Jeff Bezos’s daughter. It would be magical. Entry wouldn’t be through “rushing,” of course — no, we’d have “clawing and scratching,” a punch process so enshrouded in mystique even the SESP majors won’t be able to overanalyze it. The lucky few might wake up to find some scratch marks on their dorm door — which are not to be confused with the actions of your random roommate. That just means you’ve been selected for the club. Other nods include getting a special email from Schill, so be sure to actually read those.

Hazing is extremely frowned upon at Northwestern. In fact, the University has even conducted a case study to show that there are no benefits to it — just look up the football team’s record from any year, ever. That being said, our Kitty Kat Clubs would have some totally optional but highly encouraged bonding activities for new members, including but not limited to memorizing the land acknowledgement, performing in the sex-ed TND show and working at MOD for a day. 

The Kitty Cat Clubs would act in accordance with Northwestern’s strict dry campus policy and the historical context of Evanston’s probationary roots. After all, if you want to get shit-faced on a Tuesday night, what are you doing here? Transfer! The clubs would still have formals of course, hosted by the Norris pub if that ever gets finished. In the meantime, I guess there’s always Reza’s. 

So let’s lean into Northwestern. Finally, let’s establish some real tradition, since frankly, I’ve never heard of this so-called “primal scream” that happens every finals week (I’m in Medill if you couldn’t tell). Get risky, branch out, choose the Kitty Cat Clubs. At the very least, it’s another 30 people who may or may not be worth a hello on Sheridan, or, I guess, 30 LinkedIn connections, #roadto500.

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