We’ve heard just about a million people ask to create a build-their-own MOD pizza, and it got us thinking: What brought us to this point? Does the MOD menu mean nothing to you guys? In the name of keeping your lunch experiences as hot and fresh as a steaming Maddy (and to to save the MOD workers from having to make a custom order every time you motherfuckers have a rogue half hour on South Campus), we tried all of MOD’s Norris-renowned preset pizzas.
Maddy - 10/10
Mozzarella, red sauce
The Maddy may be the only pizza I like on the MOD menu, but who cares? There’s a reason it’s the base of all good build-your-owns. With other pizzas like the Jasper, Tristan and Caspian trying to overtake her first-place ranking with absolutely no success, Maddy has all the qualities of an empowering female role model! The pizza is reliable, tangy and just a touch boring (I’m looking at you, Hillary). With just a hint of bias, I’ll have to give this one a straight 10/10. 10/10
Mad Dog - 7/10
Mozzarella, pepperoni, mild sausage, ground beef, red sauce
Breaking my vegetarianism for this pizza, my first thought was, “there is way too much meat in my mouth right now.” That feeling didn’t go away, but honestly, I wasn’t mad about it. Who knew there were so many ways to use pork? 7/10
Tristan - 3/10
Mozzarella, asiago, roasted red peppers, mushrooms, pesto
The pizza equivalent of a sandwich that’s been in a Ziploc bag too long: a little damp, a little tasteless, texturally confusing, sort-of an “I’ll eat it because it’s there” situation. At first bite, the only descriptor that filled my mouth and my mind was “wet.” Despite its soggy sensibility, this pizza was sauceless, literally and metaphorically. A slimy pepper here, a gritty mushroom there… I was wading through a pit of mozzarella-covered mediocrity. 3/10
Caspian - 9/10
Mozzarella, gorgonzola, bbq chicken, barbecue sauce, sliced red onions
The Caspian, notoriously MOD’s sexiest pizza (and Narnia’s sexiest prince) transports its lucky consumer to a world soaked in sun and barbeque sauce. The complicated interplay between gorgonzola and mozzarella (Two competing cheeses? How daring!) created a flavorful tension you could taste from a mile away. Classy, but not classic, the Caspian’s appeal is undeniable. 9/10
Jasper - 8/10
Mozzarella, mushrooms, spicy chicken sausage, red sauce
One word: GARLICSAUCE. *The ingredients list for this pizza does not include garlic sauce. Perhaps it was a mistake, or a secret ingredient, or simply a blessing from the MOD gods. 8/10
Lucy Sunshine - 0.25/10
Mozzarella, parmesan, artichokes, garlic, dollops of red sauce
BLEUGH. I don’t know what they put on that clusterfuck of a pizza, but I felt like I was eating a lizard (Salamander? Slug? The slimy one idk). Artichoke and white sauce is not a winning combo; I want my fifth meal swipe back. As far as silver linings go, I feel much closer to my fellow editors, to whom I am trauma-bonded, now and forevermore (except for Bennie Goldfarb). 0.25/10
Dominic - 4/10
White sauce, asiago, fresh chopped basil, red onion, sliced tomatoes, mild sausage
With such a sexy name as Dominic (think Fike), I thought this pizza would bring something new to the party. Technically it did, but that's only because it’s the first thing I’ve ever tasted that could be described as simultaneously wet and dry. The flavor was giving raw onion and raw onion alone, even though it had sausage shaped like my post-MOD shits. If you’re not planning on kissing anyone for the next four to six business days, this might be the pizza for you. 4/10
Calexico - -2/10
Mozzarella, gorgonzola, chicken, jalapenos, hot buffalo sauce, red sauce
Opening the pizza box and being faced with the Calexico is akin to the scenes in Disney shows where a science experiment has gone horribly wrong and the characters just have to watch it happen. At first glance, you’re shocked by the presence of jalapenos and the whitest pieces of chicken you’ve ever seen. But you’ll really start to question your choices when you notice the tinges of blue amongst the cheese. You come to terms with the fact that there’s a good chance MOD’s blue cheese is just last month’s leftovers and take a bite. No surprise, but it’ll be the only bite you’ll take of this pizza. -2/10
Dillon James - 7/10
Mozzarella, asiago, fresh chopped basil, garlic, sliced tomatoes, red sauce
According to AmericanIdol.Fandom.Com, “Dillon James was a contestant in Season 18 of American Idol.” If this pizza took the stage for a panel of Hangover judges, it certainly wouldn’t have gone to Hollywood, but maybe could’ve made it to Vegas or something. The Dillon James is basically a Margherita, just more embarrassing to order and significantly soggier. It makes an attempt at sophistication, using full slices of tomato to remind us that there are in fact real ingredients in the MOD arsenal, but the puddle of tomato runoff collected at the center of the pie reminds us that ultimately, they don’t give a shit. 7/10
And for dessert...
No Name Cake - 12/10
Contents Unknown
This may be the most elusive item on the MOD Pizza menu, and I’m pretty sure this was the first time it was ever ordered. We opened it up at the beginning of our meal and let it bask in the sun for a little while, giving it a gooey, chocolatey sensation that welcomed our forks and our taste buds. The final special surprise was a creamy filling that kept us coming back for more. 12/10