We all know the feeling of walking into class, looking around and knowing exactly how the rest of the quarter will play out. You can envision the future debates and pinpoint exactly who you don’t want to get stuck with for your final project. Judging might be bad, but I’m here to tell you that it’s a skill you should be proud of.
These are your classic Northwestern students, ranked from most to least annoying. I’m sorry for any trauma that I bring back.
- The “There’s No Way He’s Real”
You are at one of the nation’s top 10 universities, speak English as a first language and major in the social sciences. How don’t you know the difference between equality and equity? And why do you feel the need to talk over every woman who speaks? Violence is never the answer, but listening to you makes me wonder how we got here.
- The “Beguiling, Befuddling, Bamboozling” One
Please shut up. This is not a stage. Monologuing isn’t necessary. You’re talking in so many circles that I’m dizzy and about to puke on an empty stomach. You make me sick. You’re me.
- The Internship Fiend
How are you finding these things? What do you know that I don’t? How are you on set with Margot Robbie while I’m eating Hot Cheetos for the fourth time today? Your LinkedIn is more organized than my entire life. Keep doing you, but I’m muting you so I don’t have to feel bad about myself.
- Medill Kid
Have you ever looked at someone and just known they’ve never relaxed a day in their life? In between running to magazine meetings, broadcast shoots and scripting documentaries, this person hasn’t stopped moving since they came out of the womb. I can’t keep up with your acronyms. NNN, NBN, WNUR, it’s all BS.
- The “Easy Distro” lover
There are two types of this person. One who’s right about it, and one who’s wrong.
The one who’s right is having a magnificent time and sleeping right next to me as I’m writing this. I’d be perfectly okay with that if we didn’t have to finish this group assignment by the end of class.
The one who’s wrong is also next to me and has had CAESAR open so often that I know their major, year and GPA. It’s going to be really awkward when they realize that the add/drop deadline has passed. You’re stuck, so stop complaining and get to work.
- Harvey Specter from Wish.com
This isn’t Suits yet. Not everything is a personal attack. The TA didn’t sign up for a deposition in Annenberg at 10 a.m. on a Wednesday. Take a deep breath and move on.
- The Mudd Warrior
I apologize for everything that you’ve gone through, and I hope that one day you can find the strength to love yourself. But please go outside. Live life. Breathe air. Stop haunting this campus with your sadness.
- The Model UN/Debate/Mock Trial Kid
You can project and/or write policy. We get it. We really, really do. A discussion section is not a pulpit for your speeches. Raising your hand for every question will not win you extra participation points. You are not in an election, and we will not be “opening the circle”. Please remember how to experience the sweet relief of silence.
Also, as much as you would like to pretend that you’re not, you are all on the same spectrum of yappers who like Western Business Attire. I would know. I’m one of you.
- The Nepo Baby Who Doesn’t Think They Are
“Summer” isn’t a verb. Do with that what you will.
- Greek Lifer
Either the most chill person in class with some of the best vibes or somebody who you wish gets struck by lightning daily. There’s no exception and definitely no in-between.
- The Meal Exchange Thief
It’s Tuesday night and you’re begging to “borrow” a meal exchange. There are two key problems with this: There’s no way to give me one back, and it has been two days since they reset. There’s absolutely no way you can use all five of yours in two days. Most of Norris isn’t even open on Sunday. What are you doing? Why are you like this?
You’re lucky we’re friends, because if not, I’d let you starve.
- Pre-Consulting (whatever that means)
I don’t know what you do, what you’re planning to do and how your “career” works. I’m confused, and honestly, you seem pretty confused. What do you even do in all of those clubs? Like actually. Not “networking,” but actual tangible things that bring results.
You don’t know? I figured.
- The Athlete
Oh, you’re not in SESP? Or in Comms? Color me surprised. Most of the time, you’re chill — when you’re not using those stupid scooters or mopeds that spark thoughts of rage — and get your work done. I know it sucks to be here when you’re definitely making it to the league (if you believe, I believe), but this group project is due in a week, and you need to get it together.
- RTVF Mystery
Why are your classes at 7 p.m.? What are your labs? What does the interior of Annie May Swift look like? I have so many questions and not enough answers. You compel me, though.
- The Theater Kid
You are so happy before 11 a.m. that it makes me physically ill. I know it’s because I’m a hater, and I’ve accepted that about myself.
After that, you’re honestly a breath of fresh air. You’re iconic and carry the discussion section. The more time you fill, the less I have to talk, so please, continue. But if you keep singing in Plex during dinner, I might change my mind.
- The Famous One
It’s cute that you think nobody recognizes you. Yes, I’ve seen your show, and I want to tell you I love it without seeming like a fan. Every time someone brings up a topic remotely adjacent to you, I bring up the fact that we go to the same school. Remember that I lent you a pencil the next time you talk to Spielberg.
- Pre-Med, but likes to read
It’s okay to have multiple majors. You can be an English major and a STEM major. Nobody has to do only one thing! Political science and economics majors study both to maximize their joint evil! Follow your dreams, at least a little bit. The world needs engineers who can write thesis statements.
- The Normal One™
You are elusive. I don’t think I meet more than one of you a year. You do your work on time, you go out sometimes, and most admirably of all, you don’t care. You aren’t part of the Northwestern bubble, you’re not a LinkedIn addict, you just exist.
Thank you for reminding us that there’s a world outside of this campus. When we get to the real world, you’ll be the most well-adjusted of us all. I wish I were you. Secretly, we all do.
