Note: This article is satirical in nature
Sex. Sex. Sex. From the moment you arrive on campus, you are greeted with the intense sex and hook-up culture that is Northwestern University. Students can’t go one minute without giving into their impure desires and biological instinct.
However, there is one fledgling club whose goal is to combat all the sin that’s tainted the institution.
The new Northwestern Virginity Club is here with one simple, but daunting goal: to help Northwestern’s students find the path of the Lord and cleanse themselves of their lewd urges.
“We thought that purity is really really important. And if we could be the ones to help Northwestern students down the path of finding the Lord and finding their true purpose beyond sex and other impure distractions, then we would love to help with that,” said a representative of the coalition, who uses the pseudonym Admin.
Putting up their first Instagram post on Jan. 16, 2021, the band of Northwestern virgins were originally inspired to start this club by other virginity clubs at other schools, such as the Brigham Young University Virginity Club. The Northwestern chapter is modeled heavily on the typography, visual style, and aesthetic of the BYU virginity club, all while putting its own Wildcat spin to it.
(Fun fact, the Northwestern Virginity Club has a group chat with other virginity clubs at other schools!)
Many students turned to the comments to express how funny and entertaining the organization was, and others were initially confused whether this community was ironic or not.
“In a college space, everything is so dominated by sex all the time,” Admin said. “We're constantly bombarded with these messages that you have to be having sex. And if you're not having sex, then you're not ‘cool.’”
With a mission as noble as stopping all sex, every disciple of the institution is completely anonymous. Admin said that their membership is “not so much of a countable group of people as much as a coalition. We are God's children.”
Where do they all meet? They do Bible Study, of course, and attend service every Sunday. The virgins follow social distancing rules by doing a lot of remote work.
Some of the most popular programming on their page is titled the “Virgin of The Week,” in which a very special not-too-wild-wildcat is featured on their page with their own post about their favorite methods of preserving their own virginity.
Like most people, Jacob Jarding first came across the account when it showed up on his feed in January. On Feb. 24, the Virginity Club made a post for a Casting Call for their own satirical Too Hot To Handle Virginity version. The male casting call listed one specification: being able to read and write. Jarding, upon realizing his own proficiency, sent in an application with a headshot and bio to be cast in the show. Unfortunately, Jarding was the only person to send in an application, and thus Too Hot To Handle had to be scrapped.
Too Hot To Handle was then rechristened Virgin of the Week, and Jarding was the first to be featured.
The club’s message resonated with him even before he encountered the group; Jarding signed an abstinence pledge when he was 12-years-old and has kept with it ever since.
“I have been recognized around campus, like ‘Oh, hey, Jacob I saw your post’ or ‘Yeah, that's the Virgin of the Week guy’ by some people,” Jarding said. “I think it's awesome. It's such a great icebreaker.”
Jarding helped to bring the Virgin of the Week into the mainstream. Now, Admin said that the amount of applications they get for participation makes it “almost as selective as this university.”
Marcos Sanchez, Jarding’s roommate and the person who helped push him to fill out the application, said he thinks the club is doing great work to help destigmatize virginity.
“This is a really nice step in another direction that really helps people out, [whether they are] involuntary or voluntary celibate,” Sanchez said. “I like to quote Ben Shapiro, ‘In today's America being a proud virgin is no easy task.’”
Sanchez, who is a non-virgin, follows the club and said that he relates to how virgins feel since he is currently involuntarily celibate.
“I was in angst, like ‘damn I'm never gonna feel the touch of a woman ever again,’” Sanchez said. “You know that kind of thing, you kind of get to that negative mindset, but now, with the Virginity Club, I realized that all I really need is the touch of Jesus Christ in my life, and on my heart and in my home. That's the only thing I really need.”
Other than Instagram posts and direct interaction with their audience, the organization is trying new endeavors by starting up merch, namely their “Angelcat Tee” that helps to promote virginity.
“Our mascot is the wildcat, and we love cats,” Admin said. “But we don't love being too wild, and so we put a little text box saying ‘not too wild, cats.’ And we put an angel because virgins are angels. We thought that was really representative of the Northwestern virgin community.”
While the Virgins try to sell off all of their remaining merch, as of right now, the famous club doesn’t have anything big planned in the near future. Most of their new ideas actually come very spontaneously. Nonetheless, they will still continue their holy mission of helping NU students find God and purity.
As Admin said, their ultimate goal is to “stop sex. All of it.”
*Thumbail graphic courtesy of Kaylee Kim / North By Northwestern