Photo by Gia Yetikyel // North By Northwestern

Razbliuto - (Russian) Describes the feeling a person has for someone he or she once loved.

Sometimes I feel like a ghost possessing my own body

Where the flesh and bones are too heavy to lift

Too heavy to rise

Too much to look at

Or even perceive in my mind

I remember fragments as simple as they are

Pieces of something I can’t exactly put back together  

trying to give meaning to what has long


Where even now flowers grow to symbolize time passing,

the closure that I wish I wasn’t afraid to claim

Instead, I reclaim the familiar places I once hid,

where I have cried, where I cannot even go near,

the same ones I chase when they’re the closest thing

to warm breath instead of cold,

to gentle touch instead of

the dirt beneath your fingernails

Where I told you I trusted you

You probably thought it was silly

But know that beyond the timid longing, the misremembering, and the deep sorrow

Beyond it all

I craved the beginnings

I craved the before

Delaying the afters

Delaying my neck craning as far as I could

Just to see how much farther   away you are now to me from when you said

I’ll stay for you

I want only you

Please be gentle with me

Please don’t leave me

You were convenient

You were there

You don’t remember saying that

You’ll recall anger,

the times I snapped, the words I spit, the empathy I sold to you and chewed up because I ran out,

When I promised to be endless

Know that I’m always unsure of forevers.

And when we settle into the after

of all that was promised

what is remembered?

When no one is left to leave flowers or tend the grass around you

I wish I knew.