I’m thinking about her
She’s putting dots on my face
First breach of fragile, physical space
I decide I must work to erase
These feelings based on nothing, a lust for lust’s sake.
I’m considering her
I expected to find someone vain
The kind of girl wholly outside of my lane
Instead I see a wonderful friendship to gain
If only I could stop the strange flitting in my heart.
I’m wondering about her
Her head’s on my chest but our conversation is finer
I could take her places—wine her and dine her
Let the moment ignite our desire
She rejects me so softly. Kamikaze butterflies drown in waves of kindness and compassion.
I’m contemplating her
She’s across from me on the subway
Her presence eliminates all the day’s gray
I worry the feelings aren’t going away
“She said no,” I chide myself. “Let it go.” She said no. Let it go. She said no. Let it go. She said
I’m doubting her
We’re in an Uber and her hand fits so naturally in mine
I want more control over matters so fine
When we are together everything aligns
Sobriety and subtlety elude me like warm winter days.
I’m pondering her
She’s awake at 4:30 in my bed
Next to my firework friend, who’s out like lead
I’m in the shower, trying to clear my head
From the alcohol. I just threw up. She’s asking if I am okay. I expected her to be asleep. Her naked, genuine concern kicks me in the face.
I’m ruminating about her
I feel like vomiting “sorry” more than tequila and lime
She said I didn’t do anything wrong, far from crossing any line
Firework friend confirms I am fine
He begs caution, self-preservation, and less aggressive cuddling. Once more, the elephant fails to tiptoe like a mouse.
Drunk, again– So stupid– I should have– I didn’t mean to– Why didn’t I just–
If only she–