Every Northwestern class is an opportunity — not only to find passion for the subject you're learning but also for the person teaching it. Every student has felt it: a soft salt-and-pepper-streaked beard here, skin-tight pantyhose melting into creased brown loafers there. Your heart racing as your favorite PILF scans the lecture hall, eyeing you with an irresistible gaze to ask about a reading you didn’t do. Luckily for the lonesome student, NBN has prepared a one-of-a-kind, foolproof guide to seal the deal with your hot professor.
Step 1: Get their attention
Your first job is to plant the seed. On the first day of class, be sure to wear your most ostentatious outfit under a massive coat and make a huge scene when you take it off. This is your opportunity to show some skin and stand out among the other boring students. When you turn in a quiz, allow your fingers to gently sweep the back of their hand. Compliment them on their Canvas profile picture or make subtle references to their published works. Intentionally answer one question incorrectly per class to establish that you are young, inexperienced and in need of an education. When class ends, you should still be on their mind.
Step 2: Initiate contact
To take it to the next level, you need to get this crush out of the lecture hall and into the DMs. With professors, take this leap via email. After class, send them a quick message with sexy yet subtle hints. Don't be too bold, but make sure to use plenty of the following buzzwords: “I loved being in class today,” “The reading really stimulated my interests” or “Class today was arousing.” You need to establish a more casual relationship with them as early as possible, so make sure you send this from your personal email. Trust me, “u.northwestern.edu” is the quickest path to rejection.
Step 3: Follow up
By this point, you certainly have them craving more, and as Luke Figora says, you need to to shift your strategy “with the aim of starting in-person activity.” Office hours are the obvious answer but not the most effective. Every hot ‘n bothered student shows up scantily clad to their favorite professor’s office hours; they're expecting it, and they're sick of it. Take them somewhere special, dim-lit and sultry — a place where no professor has ever ventured: Elder Dining Commons. If they offer to pay, brush it off. You have to be chivalrous (and what are the chances they know about your unlimited swipes?). As you converse over dry chicken, pineapple and disappointment, keep the conversation in line with the following syllabus. This is where professors are most comfortable, and you want them to feel at home.
- Talk about where you’re from and your interests, and ask them about theirs: “So, have you signed up for NUDM yet?”
- Complain about the quality of the food: “We should totally get tapas next time.”
Midterm #1: Footsie under the table
- Talk about their class and why you enjoy it: “I love how you cold-call the kids in the back!”
- Compliment them on their outfit: “Tweed is SO in.”
- Discuss the future: “Any chance there will be a curve?”
(6:00pm - 8pm, Tech AUD)
Slip a sexy Polaroid onto their podium.
Step 4: Endgame
You did it! You sealed the deal. You tamed the silver fox. Plus, after a few weeks your relationship will be tenured, and they’ll be stuck with you. At the end of the day it's a win-win: You get a whimsical, romantic quarter, and at the very least, they get a really, really good CTEC.