Let me begin by saying that I am a relatively skeptical person. It took me one night to sniff out the truth about the Tooth Fairy’s existence. It took me one Christmas to make the connection between Santa’s handwriting and my mother’s. It took me one first grade religion class to convince my religion teacher to call my mother and tell her that she was worried that I was going to hell.

Thus, I speak with utmost sincerity that nothing has ever conned me to the extent that the AlcoholEDU program did during Wildcat Welcome.

This quarantine, if nothing else, has given me a lot of time to think — to take time and reflect on what went right and what went wrong in my first two quarters at Northwestern. For instance, an example of something that went right: selecting my dorm based on its proximity to Burger King. On the other hand, an example of something that went wrong: literally any other decision that I made during my two quarters at Northwestern.

To elaborate on one of the many mistakes that I have made at Northwestern, I ask you to recall the many True Northwestern Dialogues (TNDs) we attended during orientation. Some were successful, some were unsuccessful, but none of them could ever be accused of being deceptive in their messages, right?


Imagine, if you will. There I was, a bright-eyed 8’7” Asian man of supreme beauty, wondrously watching the TND on responsible alcohol and drug usage in the Ryan Fieldhouse. As a simple Southern boy from the South, I knew nothing in my life but the ol’ tractor and a few tunes on my banjo. My experience with the party scene was, to put it mildly, lacking. So you can imagine the sense of utter joy, wonder and hope that filled me when I listened to students recount their experiences of having fun at parties without the use of alcohol — the consumption of which would undoubtedly do great violence to not only my sensitive palate, but also the very foundations of our legal system.

But alas, how foolish I was to trust such dishonest tales!

On the list of enjoyable things, attending a fraternity party while sober would probably rank only slightly higher than getting smacked in the face with a Wii remote.-

Don’t get me wrong, it’s quite an experience. Nobody can deny that it is an experience. Imagine, if you will, that you are a sardine. You are packed with all of your sardine buddies in a little sardine tin can that was a 20-minute walk from your sardine dorm. All you want to do is just have a happy sardine time. But you are constantly being jostled by the wriggling bodies of your sardine friends. The only thing you can feel is sardine sweat. You only mildly recognize the sardine tunes that are deafening your little sardine ears. You are the only sardine who is aware of these conditions because you are the only sardine who has not yet drunk the forbidden sardine juice.

In other words, it’s not a great time.

Thus, in these uncertain times™, let us be certain about one thing: the alcohol TND could stand to be a little more candid about how fun the sober party experience could be. That’s not to say they don’t have the right idea, though. You probably won’t ever have fun being sober at a fraternity party, but there’s still plenty of other ways of having fun. Raid Burger King at 2 a.m. Grab boba and drink something that doesn’t taste like motor oil. Hang out in your friends’ dorm rooms discussing why they shouldn’t re-download Tinder. The possibilities are truly endless!

(Well, once this quarantine ends.)

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