Controversially, my favorite liquid is water. I love water the way Utahns love soda–that kind of love that wakes you up at 8 a.m. to go to a soda shop to get an overpriced mixed drink chock-full of sugar, diabetes and love. So, naturally, when I arrived on Northwestern’s campus, the most important thing for me was not my professors, my dorm, club opportunities or anything you could find on an informational pamphlet. Rather, it was water. After my first month here, I now consider myself expert enough to bestow my great water wisdom upon you. So, without further ado, here is my official dining hall water ranking.
1. Plex
People often hate on Plex. It’s small, the froyo machine is always down and the stir fry line is longer than Lee Redmond’s nails, but when it comes to water Plex is number one. Plex water is always crisp and cold like an arctic spring blessed by a baby turtle raised in the womb of mother Earth. Plex water tastes like what true serenity feels like; a baby antelope in a National Geographic documentary quietly taking its first ever sip of water from an oasis has nothing on me when I’m drinking Plex water. Plex water is fresher than blueberries plucked by an environmentally-conscious granola farmer, purer than a cherub smiling down at you from heaven, sweeter than a bowl of sugar. It doesn’t matter if it’s East or West, because with Plex water, everything points north toward the heavens, where Plex water has fallen from.
2. Elder
Elder water is good. It’s nothing to write home about, but I can depend on it to be cold and just flavored enough that it’s there for me when I need it. I feel the same way about Elder water as I do about cantaloupe. It’s certainly not my first choice, but it’s sweet enough and good in the mornings with a croissant. Elder water’s like the reality TV show you watch when you want to kill time and you just finished your actual favorite show. The writing’s subpar, the camera guy is an amateur, but you watch it anyway because you need to know whether Stephanie will splash rosè or chardonnay into Ashley’s face after finding out they’re pining after the same 60-year-old man whose only interest is golf.
3. Allison
Allison water is finicky. One day it’s fresh and the next it tastes like it came straight out of the sewers in a French town run by tiny rats who smoke cigarettes and eat stale baguettes. Allison water is like Katy Perry’s 2008 hit song “Hot N Cold” because its taste is constantly changing. Strangely enough, sometimes the first sip is truly metallic, repulsive and abhorrent, but after marinating for an hour or so, later sips taste fine. Truly, Allison water is just like a small, pallid Victorian child because it can’t handle much before it falls ill from consumption. But sometimes it is salvageable and it quenches my thirst.
4. Sargent
Sargent water is deplorable. It tastes thick with bacteria, like it came straight out of the Broad Street pump and it’s going to give us all cholera. Drinking Sargent water is a curse I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. I can’t possibly comprehend why it tastes so bad. Perhaps it’s embodying North campus and the uncleanliness and bro-iness of frat houses. All I know is that when I get within 500 feet of that water fountain, I make sure to wear a hazmat suit and a bulletproof vest because the taste is vile and violent. Sargent water breaks the Geneva Conventions because, frankly, it’s biological warfare and it’s dangerous to all of its victims.
I hope you learned something valuable from this scientific and objective water ranking. And if you have drunk Sargent water in the last 10 days, you may be entitled to financial compensation.