Any self-righteous, politically passionate college student knows that nothing is sexier than civic engagement. It stands to reason that our democracy’s foundational document — the predecessor to 229 years of activism and controversy — has its sexy moments as well.
The democracy our Constitution envisions remains out of reach due to complex political reasons that I’m too depressed to unpack. So, instead, I used philosophical and theoretical substance as a metric to help rank each amendment’s sexiness. After some painstaking, non-partisan and highly scientific research, I’m declaring these eight amendments to be the sexiest in the Constitution of the United States.
1. First Amendment: Freedom of religion, speech, press, assembly and petition
In high school, an introductory journalism class made me memorize the words “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.” That may have been the first time I questioned my sexuality.
There’s nothing not to love about your First Amendment rights. Like the sex lives of quarantined teenagers, if the government tries to suppress them, they'll always be violently reclaimed in due time. Plus, consider the sheer controversy this amendment has produced — Tinker v. Des Moines, which upheld the rights of student protesters in school, and Texas v. Johnson, which declared flag-burning constitutional, were some of the hottest moments in American history.
2-4. Amendments Thirteen, Fourteen and Fifteen
These amendments basically establish personal and political autonomy for all individuals, which is one of the sexiest concepts in human thought, if not THE sexiest. The killer combo of slavery prohibition, universal birthright citizenship and universal voting rights is so hot that these amendments tie for the second-highest spot on this list.
Imagine how unsexy the world would be without the Reconstruction amendments. Private institutions would still subjugate millions of people of color, second-generation immigrants would be regularly deported, voter suppression would disenfranchise thousands of constituents every election season…oh wait, crap.
5. Twenty-first Amendment: Repealing Prohibition
Thanks to good ol’ Amendment 21, there are no legal barriers that prevent you from buying alcohol with your fake ID. You can rest assured that the local liquor store you regularly deceive operates within constitutional law. Honestly, what’s more seductive than that?
6. Nineteenth Amendment: Voting rights for women
Nowadays, women can be horny for political engagement, too. Isn’t the Constitution grand?
7. Twenty-sixth Amendment: Voting age set to 18
Whose idea was it to send a bunch of horny post-pubescent teenagers to the polls? Oh yeah, it was a bunch of horny post-pubescent teenage activists. Nowadays, when election season rolls around, you’d be lying if you said you’re not at least a little turned on by the “I Voted!” stickers all the cute guys are wearing. You have Oregon v. Mitchell and decades of bitter national discourse to thank for that.
8. Ninth Amendment: Non-enumerated rights
The Ninth Amendment treats you right. It knows that the Constitution isn’t exhaustive; the people are entitled to many more rights than the ones our Founding Fathers listed out. What rights are they? No one knows, but boy, do they exist. This amendment is enigmatic, mysterious and, dare I say it — sexy.
If you agree with this list, or have different ideas about which amendments turn you on, don’t hesitate to take it up with my editors.