hello stranger
it’s been a while
i just wanted to let you know
some things i’ll never confess
whenever i pass by that shop
suddenly i’m walking along the city streets with you
wherever i see that constellation
then i’m lying by your side, rolling my eyes to your country favorites
whenever i hear the name of your city
i wonder–
how are you?
doing nothing was easier than doing something–
one week without talking led to four
led to a month to several months
and here i am musing
do you think of me from time to time?
do the trinkets i gave you
take you back
to game nights
to long nights
to howling parties
to slumber parties
i loved you
or something like that,
at least i was convinced that i did
but intoxication is a better way to describe it
because as soon as you left,
as soon as your subtly sweet, wildly sophisticated perfume drove away for the last time,
it was as though i woke from a trance,
looking around me, bewildered, not knowing how a year had passed
maybe it was googly-eyed love
embarrassing
vulnerable
exhausting
love.
it was the most raw my heart had ever been stripped down
no.
it wasn’t love.
having (only) experienced love through cinema, i know
love shouldn’t make me sick to my stomach, lying on my bed, shriveled up like a fallen leaf,
feeling like the world is closing in because you didn’t respond
loving doesn’t look like self-hating, too ugly, too disgusting to be loved back.
i was, and continue to be, afraid to reach out
because who would reach out to the midnight dark?
not knowing what will reach back? or when?
if ever.
yes, i have become afraid of the dark again,
reverting back to a child, back to my mother’s bosom.
although she scorns the queer love i feel sometimes,
i would rather go to her,
i would run back to her
because
maybe, if i hug her tight enough, everything else in the world will dissolve,
i’ll become the child i always was, am.
i will have never fallen
and i’ll never fall again
Thumbnail graphic by Sammi Li / North by Northwestern