Social media analysts around the globe have been calling Venmo “2022’s Hottest Social Media Platform.” Where else can you exchange money with ease while showing the world how cool and witty you are? As any successful Venmo influencer knows, every Target trip or Tapas Barcelona dinner is an opportunity for top-tier comedy. With caption creativity comes fame, fortune and the adoration of your avid financial followers. If you want to step it up from basic and overused captions — or worst of all, the descriptive emoji — this cheat sheet is for you.

You’re paying your roommate for the rent, but they don’t do the dishes, so you’re trying to send some subliminal messages.

30s

🍽 Paying for rent. Including utilities. Including our dishwasher.

🍝 At this point, whatever’s growing in your two-week-old pasta bowl on the counter should be paying rent, too.

🧽 What if every time I paid rent, we washed one dish?

You’re paying a friend back for a dinner that you don’t remember because you blacked out on a bottle of wine.

4d

🍷 I’m sorry you had to see my ravioli twice.

🍻 Are you missing a glass eye? I woke up with an extra one.

🍾 Sorry we got banned from your favorite Italian place. Olive Garden next week?

Your roommate walked in on you and your sneaky link, so you’re trying to repair the friendship with some petty cash.

Feb 14

🍑 Really sorry you saw my bare ass. I hope this won’t affect our relationship.

🛏 I promise I’ll wash your sheets tomorrow!

👪 I know we didn’t address three-ways in our roommate agreement, but my partner and I really like your vibe.

🍆 Did my nipples look weird? Be honest.

You gave your friend COVID, and you’re Venmoing him for his DoorDash order.

Jan 06

🍗 Evanston’s hottest new club is 1835 Hinman. They have everything: dry chicken, free masks and a case manager named Lisa who won’t return my fucking calls just because I told her I had a dingle and asked if she wanted to come over and make the most of it.

🍲 Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down all of your trash bags tied together so your Dasher can deliver your soup.

🏥 Dinner (and 5 free nights in 1835 Hinman) on me!

😷 *Coughing* up the cash for your dinner!

Paying an NUDM member to leave you alone.

Jan 01

💃 There’s no way I’m gonna start training now for a DANCE MARATHON.

🔥 The pitchforks and torches were unnecessary — you could’ve just asked nicely if you wanted me to donate to your Instagram story bingo that badly.

🔫 Here’s the cash. I swear it’s all here. You don’t have to point that thing at me, I already have 10 flyers. Hey, take it easy! Just leave my family out of this, OK? They don’t even go here!