This is Part 2 of a two-part series. Click here for the first part.
Director of National Intelligence
Status: CONFIRMED (JAN. 20, 2021) (84 – 10)
Confirmed on the day of Biden’s inauguration, Haines is already tackling a variety of global issues, including investigating Russia’s SolarWinds cyberattack and the possibility of rejoining a nuclear agreement with Iran. Haines also released a declassified report on Feb. 26 assessing that Saudi Arabia’s Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman approved the 2018 kidnapping and murder of Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi. “The reality is almost every threat that we're facing today is transnational,” Haines said. “It comprises domestic issues and international issues, and terrorism is no different."
Our Choice: Perry the Platypus – Phineas and Ferb
Perry is dedicated to his craft. He goes to astronomical lengths to keep his identity secret, not to mention all his fancy transportational gadgets and his cool-as-hell theme song. Perry will be sure to utilize foreign, domestic and military intelligence, all for the greater good.
Status: CONFIRMED (MARCH 10, 2021) (70 – 30)
Garland was originally nominated by President Obama in 2016 to fill the seat of Antonin Scalia in the Supreme Court, but his nomination was blocked after the Republican-majority Senate refused to host hearings. As Attorney General, Garland has made it a priority to prosecute the federal crimes committed in the U.S. capital riot on Jan. 6 as well hate crimes committed by white supremacists. “I come from a family where my grandparents fled anti-Semitism and persecution, Garland said. “[The U.S.] took us in and protected us. I feel an obligation to the country to pay back.”
Our Choice: Belle – Beauty and the Beast
Well read, outspoken and open-minded, Belle would tackle all legal matters with the utmost fairness. With her nose always in a book, she probably wouldn’t mind reading through piles of jurisprudential paperwork. Plus, she’d be sure to consider all decisions with an added dose of compassion and kindness.
United States Ambassador to the United Nations
Status: CONFIRMED (FEB. 23, 2021) (78 – 20)
Thomas-Greenfield served as the ambassador to Liberia from 2008 to 2012. She then went on to serve as the top United States diplomat for African Affairs from 2013 to 2017, during which she helped oversee the Ebola pandemic. During her fourth confirmation hearing, Thomas-Greenfield said that she would focus on restoring alliances and re-engaging in efforts to address global problems such as the coronavirus pandemic.
Our Choice: Shrek – Shrek
Shrek, an ogre with many layers like an onion, has united fairytale creatures of all kinds on multiple occasions. He’s well-versed with negotiations but will stand his ground on what is right, making him a perfect candidate to represent the nation in foreign alliances.
Dr. Cecilia Rouse
Chair of the Council of Economic Advisors
Status: CONFIRMED (MARCH 2, 2021) (95 – 4)
Rouse, previously the dean of the Princeton School of Public and International Affairs, has focused her academic research on education, and racial and gender discriminatory forces that hold individuals back in the American economy. Rouse admitted during her hearings that while the pandemic and its fallout are devastating, it is “also an opportunity to rebuild the economy better than it was before.”
Our Choice: Scrooge McDuck – DuckTales
Scrooge has plenty of cold hard cash lying around, not to mention more than enough gold coins to practice diving into. He’s built his entire name off of a single dime, so surely he’ll have some wise advice for the White House regarding how to properly invest their funds to generate a fortune.
White House Chief of Staff
Status: NO CONFIRMATION NEEDED
Klain served as Biden’s Chief of Staff during his Vice Presidency and as Al Gore’s Chief of Staff during his Vice Presidency. During the Ebola outbreak, he took on the role of “Ebola Czar,” helping President Obama coordinate a response to the viral pandemic. Now, Klain plays a crucial role in mediating bipartisan discussions, especially those concerning the coronavirus relief bill. And unlike Biden, Klain is more than willing to use Twitter to commentate on the White House’s achievements and offer insight into White House initiatives.
Our Choice: Mushu – Mulan
Mushu has proved that his companionship could not only turn the tide of war, but also help propel true love. Who better to act as the president’s chief advisor and work behind the scenes than an ancient family guardian dragon?
Michael S. Regan
Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency
Status: CONFIRMED (MARCH 10, 2021) (66 – 34)
Since being confirmed, Regan has already confirmed that the EPA is preparing new regulations in the electricity sector to meet President Biden’s goal of cutting half of the U.S.’s carbon emissions by 2030 and achieving carbon neutrality by 2050. Regan said that his agency is also in the process of developing new rules for automobiles and power plants. “We’re not looking backward; we’re looking forward, and I’m really excited about that,” Regan said.
Our Choice: The Kratt Brothers – Wild Kratts
Sure there’s only one position for the Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency, but Chris and Martin just can’t be separated. These two bros are dedicated to protecting the environment and animal species of all kinds around the world. They’d make sure Americans have access to the cleanest land, air and water there is.
U.S. Trade Representative
Status: CONFIRMED (MARCH 17, 2021) (98 – 0)
The only unanimous confirmation from Biden’s cabinet, Tai was praised by Democrats and Republicans alike for her tough stance on China and experience as a practiced trade lawyer. In the position, Tai and her team are expected to review Trump-era trade policies on Chinese products such as steel, aluminum and other consumer goods while holding China accountable for its phase-one trade deal commitments.
Our Choice: Rafiki - The Lion King
Sure, he may often speak in metaphors to get his message across, but Rafiki’s wisdom is well suited for the current global economy fraught with conflict. Using past experiences, he’ll make smart choices to run American trade. Plus, as Rafiki says, “The past can hurt. But from the way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it."
Administrator of the Small Business Administration
Status: CONFIRMED (MARCH 16, 2021) (81 – 17)
During the Obama administration, Guzman served as a senior advisor and the deputy chief of staff. Now, she is tasked with guiding millions of small businesses and startups through a recovery phase after business was ravaged by the coronavirus pandemic. “At the SBA, we are here to help,” Guzman said in an interview with Forbes, “Together with the dedicated mission-oriented staff at the SBA, I have made it my top priority to deliver that help swiftly, effectively, and equitably.”
Our Choice: Tiana – The Princess and the Frog
A fellow small business owner herself, Tiana can perfectly empathize with those struggling to keep their own businesses afloat. Hardworking, resilient, and resourceful, Tiana will surely do everything in her power to ensure businesses bounce back after being hit hard by the pandemic!