Northwestern University is a long-standing and prestigious institution with top-tier academics and ties to elite alumni. So naturally, our beloved campus is host to lots of weird Illuminati-type shit. Read on for a deep dive into alleged conspiracies on campus.
An Extraterrestrial Encounter: The Truth Behind NU’s Anti-CBD Campaign
Northwestern’s Kellogg building is one of the most mysterious spots on campus. If you’ve ever been inside, you’ve likely gotten judgmental glances from those who can tell you’re not a business student. While an easy explanation is that Kellogg students are exclusive weirdos, the real answer lies in the stars.
“The Kellogg building is actually an extraterrestrial spacecraft that was grounded in the winter of 2012 — in accordance with the ancient Mayan calendar, obviously,” an anonymous source from the online Northwestern conspiracy community NUndercover explains.
According to NUndercover, the construction of the Kellogg building was a cover story for repairs to the spacecraft, the majority of which is underground and can only be accessed through Lower Tech.
The spacecraft is believed to have come from Kepler-452b, the alleged home planet of well-known extraterrestrials such as Danny DeVito and Queen Elizabeth.
The majority of Kellogg students and faculty are likely extraterrestrials themselves. One source reported that he “was taking a hit of [his] dab pen in the bathroom stall” and watched from the crack in the door as a student shapeshifted from a “regular dude into something resembling Mark Zuckerberg.”
In what he thought would be his last moments, he hastily took the fattest rip of his dab pen, and as the creature busted the bathroom stall open, he blew the smoke into its face. As soon as it caught a whiff, the creature turned and sprinted out of the bathroom in such a hurry that it left its electric scooter behind.
“I feel insane, like I can’t trust my own eyes,” the source says.
An expert on NUndercover theorizes, “All signs point to Kellogg extraterrestrials having an aversion to cannabis products. Have you ever seen a Kellogg student smoking a j? Me neither.”
Although Kellogg students’ lack of interest in marijuana could be attributed to their “grindset” mentality, another crucial piece of evidence has recently arisen: Northwestern’s anti-CBD campaign.
Unsurprisingly, this campaign leaves students and faculty confused, with many asking whether CBD is really the drug that warrants anti-use graphics. If you’re an extraterrestrial, then the answer is yes.
It's still unclear if CBD is the specific chemical that repels extraterrestrials. To be safe, experts say if you need to enter Kellogg, it's best to do so under the influence.
A user on NUndercover says, “I’ve tested the theory myself, and Kellogg shapeshifters avoid you like the plague if you come in just a little high.”
Low(er) Tech
There are an unknown number of floors below the basement level of Tech, referred to as “Lower Tech” (a name that lacks pizzazz, but what did you expect from STEM majors?). Every year, the Office of Undergraduate Research receives half a dozen proposals from wannabe evil geniuses, and Lower Tech is where the studies that couldn’t pass the institutional review board are secretly conducted. If the standards board finds a proposal unethical but intriguing, they’re given research funding and lab space. The best (or most nefarious) proposals are given a “shadow lab” — a damp, cavernous enclave in Lower Tech perfect for an evil lair — in exchange for Northwestern’s exclusive access to the findings.
“Remember that time someone accidentally used the in-development shrink ray on Harris?’” an anonymous Shadow Lab fellow asks. “The history department looked like a LEGO model.
But you probably don’t remember. No one remembers that thanks to the selective memory-erasing program, which is another devious product of Lower Tech.”
Some of Lower Tech’s most recognizable products include the bathroom door locks that don’t work but you don’t notice until you’re sitting down, the gorgonzola cheese at MOD Pizza, the campus geese that seem to shit twice their weight every day and the data science minor.
Lower Tech’s Shadow Lab fellows are connected with big-name advisers like Jeff Bezos and Dr. Doofenshmirtz. Advisers help the fellows create moodboards detailing their favorite evil geniuses and discuss what existing inventions they find the most inconvenient or deviant in order to inspire their own inventions. They even connect them with other industry professionals to set them up for post-grad success. Lower Tech is an incubator for Northwestern’s greatest inconveniences, so if your proposal gets rejected by the regular ethics board, head underground.
Smile at the camera! (You should always be smiling)
Campus security is undeniably tight, from the blue light telephone system to multiple Wildcard scanners in every dorm to guards posted at nearly every residential building. Though many security measures are hidden in plain sight, the full extent of campus surveillance isn’t so obvious.
Some universities have taken to using high-tech camera systems or tracking via the campus Wi-Fi to ensure the “safety” and “well-being” of their students. Home of whole-brain engineering, Northwestern would never settle for such unimaginative means of becoming Big Brother, instead developing their own unique technique that takes inspiration from Chuck E. Cheese’s animatronics.
Have you ever noticed a rabbit staring at you for a little too long, prompting you to think, “Wow, that’s a ballsy one”? Is it usually when you’re open-carrying a White Claw through campus? Well, those watchful little eyes aren’t eyes at all. They’re tiny cameras, and they’ve collected hours of footage of you stumbling down Sheridan every Saturday night.
“The majority of our student body are AirPod-laden sheeple,” says an anonymous authority of NUndercover. “They’re right there, out in the open, but everyone seems to turn a blind eye.”
Research compiled by NUndercover reveals that most — if not all — campus rabbits are animatronic security devices with built-in camera lenses where their cute little stuffed-animal eyes should be.
“People don’t realize the scope of their monitoring,” the anonymous source says. “You weren’t the only one who saw your friend throw out an OZZI.”
Campus surveillance doesn’t stop with hidden cameras. Sources report that if you order Lisa’s chicken tenders within 10 minutes of the kitchen closing, they give you “special” tenders, which come with your daily dose of precious metals: a microchip. Some theorize that these chips identify and track individuals with low levels of empathy, tagging them as recommended candidates for investment banking internships.
Why are they spying on us? What is Northwestern going to do with the data? While much is still unclear about the University’s motives and goals, we do know that the average student shouldn’t worry. At least, no more than you’re worried about Apple, Google and Meta monitoring your every search, like, message and post.