Our criteria:
The privacy
Odor
Internet
Lighting
Excitement
The comfort
The privacy
Odor
Internet
Lighting
Excitement
The comfort
×
The privacy
An anxious shitter’s dream. Single stall, not one but two locks, sturdy wooden door and an exit that can’t be seen from any nearby classrooms.
Odor
Clean and relatively scent-free. Harris, home to the History department, is a civilized place, so no one is sprinkling their tinkle* on the floor.
Internet
Everything streams just fine. TikTok, videos on Angry Birds hacks, piss…
Lighting
Serene. Indirect lighting emanates from above the porcelain throne, which is tucked away in a cozy corner banked by walls of retro tile.
Excitement
No rush. Relaxing. There’s never a line in Harris, because who the fuck majors in history.
The comfort
Warm. Cozy. Throw a futon in there and I’m moving in.
Harris Hall (basement)
The privacy
An anxious shitter’s dream. Single stall, not one but two locks, sturdy wooden door and an exit that can’t be seen from any nearby classrooms.
Odor
Clean and relatively scent-free. Harris, home to the History department, is a civilized place, so no one is sprinkling their tinkle* on the floor.
Internet
Everything streams just fine. TikTok, videos on Angry Birds hacks, piss…
Lighting
Serene. Indirect lighting emanates from above the porcelain throne, which is tucked away in a cozy corner banked by walls of retro tile.
Excitement
No rush. Relaxing. There’s never a line in Harris, because who the fuck majors in history.
The comfort
Warm. Cozy. Throw a futon in there and I’m moving in.
×
The privacy
The lock is totally non-functional, absolutely begging a turd burglar* to catch you in the act. The door is unreachable from the toilet, which means holding it shut is impossible. This is by far the most dangerous place to shit on campus.
Odor
Could only smell the scent of my own cold, fearful sweat as I waited for someone to open the door on me.
Internet
Too stressed to scroll.
Lighting
Flickering corporate overheads. Ominous. Suited to the space.
Excitement
It is the only bathroom in the building, meaning the occupants of the 289 auditorium seats are all vying for a singular porcelain one. Beware.
The comfort
Normally the toilet’s position, nestled behind a corner, would provide a pleasantly cozy enclave. In this case, it works against the shitter, forcing an intruder to open the door and step inside before meeting your guilty eyes.
Lutkin Hall
The privacy
The lock is totally non-functional, absolutely begging a turd burglar* to catch you in the act. The door is unreachable from the toilet, which means holding it shut is impossible. This is by far the most dangerous place to shit on campus.
Odor
Could only smell the scent of my own cold, fearful sweat as I waited for someone to open the door on me.
Internet
Too stressed to scroll.
Lighting
Flickering corporate overheads. Ominous. Suited to the space.
Excitement
It is the only bathroom in the building, meaning the occupants of the 289 auditorium seats are all vying for a singular porcelain one. Beware.
The comfort
Normally the toilet’s position, nestled behind a corner, would provide a pleasantly cozy enclave. In this case, it works against the shitter, forcing an intruder to open the door and step inside before meeting your guilty eyes.
×
The privacy
Private, but in an isolating way. If the massive cockroach I saw had attacked I would’ve been fucked.
Odor
If the bowels of a building could stink, this bathroom would have been putrid. Fortunately, the pipes I could see through a giant hole in the ceiling were more of a visual offense than an olfactory one.
Internet
Poor. The underground signal sucks. Couldn’t call for help.
Lighting
No lighting inside the stalls. Dim and scary. There is a decently-lit full-length mirror — an amenity lacking in most campus bathrooms — but the other restroom offenses I encountered made me wonder whether the only comfort Lunt affords its female students is a place to do a ‘fit check.
Excitement
The ceiling hole provides a perfect passage for a resident spider, mouse, or other Lunt fauna to descend mid-sewer pickle.* Exciting in a scary way.
The comfort
If Harry Potter’s cupboard under the stairs was a bathroom, it would be this one. The slanted ceiling had me ducking my way into a stall, which forced me into closer proximity to the floor, where the cockroach threatened to join me for a tandem poop.
* Uncomfortable on many levels.
Lunt Hall
The privacy
Private, but in an isolating way. If the massive cockroach I saw had attacked I would’ve been fucked.
Odor
If the bowels of a building could stink, this bathroom would have been putrid. Fortunately, the pipes I could see through a giant hole in the ceiling were more of a visual offense than an olfactory one.
Internet
Poor. The underground signal sucks. Couldn’t call for help.
Lighting
No lighting inside the stalls. Dim and scary. There is a decently-lit full-length mirror — an amenity lacking in most campus bathrooms — but the other restroom offenses I encountered made me wonder whether the only comfort Lunt affords its female students is a place to do a ‘fit check.
Excitement
The ceiling hole provides a perfect passage for a resident spider, mouse, or other Lunt fauna to descend mid-sewer pickle.* Exciting in a scary way.
The comfort
If Harry Potter’s cupboard under the stairs was a bathroom, it would be this one. The slanted ceiling had me ducking my way into a stall, which forced me into closer proximity to the floor, where the cockroach threatened to join me for a tandem poop.
* Uncomfortable on many levels.
×
The privacy
You know how the British say privacy? Exactly. It’s spacious enough to hide from the Louboutin- wearing business students that know I shouldn’t be there.
Odor
Smells like success. With the amount of money Northwestern invests in the business school, I would expect nothing less.
Internet
I took an international call, had a really wonderful conversation about the stock market. Felt fitting.
Lighting
Ringing up the girlies and pregaming in the Kellogg Bathroom for the selfie lighting. The mirror looks like a vanity, which is perfect for self-absorbed undergraduates (me!)
Excitement
The feng shui was top-tier. I felt very at peace.
The comfort
If bathrooms could give hugs, Kellogg would be akin to a corporate Paddington bear. No complaints.
Kellogg
The privacy
You know how the British say privacy? Exactly. It’s spacious enough to hide from the Louboutin- wearing business students that know I shouldn’t be there.
Odor
Smells like success. With the amount of money Northwestern invests in the business school, I would expect nothing less.
Internet
I took an international call, had a really wonderful conversation about the stock market. Felt fitting.
Lighting
Ringing up the girlies and pregaming in the Kellogg Bathroom for the selfie lighting. The mirror looks like a vanity, which is perfect for self-absorbed undergraduates (me!)
Excitement
The feng shui was top-tier. I felt very at peace.
The comfort
If bathrooms could give hugs, Kellogg would be akin to a corporate Paddington bear. No complaints.
×
The privacy
There are often lines out the door, which usually means having a rushed, stressful trip to the bathroom. I can feel the judgment of the people in line when I take more than 2 minutes. Atrocious. .25/10 stars.
Odor
It is so musty in there, can Norris please invest in air fresheners before they build another Starbucks?
Internet
No bars, no service. A crime. What is a trip to the bathroom if not a social media binge?
Lighting
If The Shining had a baby with the color yellow. Why would you ever paint a bathroom chartreuse? Everyone looks like they have jaundice. So disconcerting.
Excitement
The cacophony of this bathroom truly threw me for a loop. Why is it shaped like an F? I was excited to leave.
The comfort
Legend has it that if you listen close enough, you can hear Moaning Myrtle complaining about the scalding water in the sink. As if it could get any worse. My recommendation, do not go piss girl. You can do better.
Norris (basement)
The privacy
There are often lines out the door, which usually means having a rushed, stressful trip to the bathroom. I can feel the judgment of the people in line when I take more than 2 minutes. Atrocious. .25/10 stars.
Odor
It is so musty in there, can Norris please invest in air fresheners before they build another Starbucks?
Internet
No bars, no service. A crime. What is a trip to the bathroom if not a social media binge?
Lighting
If The Shining had a baby with the color yellow. Why would you ever paint a bathroom chartreuse? Everyone looks like they have jaundice. So disconcerting.
Excitement
The cacophony of this bathroom truly threw me for a loop. Why is it shaped like an F? I was excited to leave.
The comfort
Legend has it that if you listen close enough, you can hear Moaning Myrtle complaining about the scalding water in the sink. As if it could get any worse. My recommendation, do not go piss girl. You can do better.
×
The privacy
These bathrooms are such a well-kept secret that most people don’t even know they exist. To get there, take the elevator to the basement and turn left, then let it flow! Did I mention that these bad boys are single stall?
Odor
Since these johns are less frequently used, they probably get less cleaning service than most others.
Internet
Not much service down here unfortunately
Lighting
A nice dimness really sets the mood
Excitement
Considering how off-the-grid and seemingly soundproof these bathrooms are, you could party in here until the AM!
The comfort
Deceptively spacious! Amenities range from a full stall to standing urinal! Visit with your significant other to take advantage of the his-and-hers sinks!
Best: Main Library (basement)
The privacy
These bathrooms are such a well-kept secret that most people don’t even know they exist. To get there, take the elevator to the basement and turn left, then let it flow! Did I mention that these bad boys are single stall?
Odor
Since these johns are less frequently used, they probably get less cleaning service than most others.
Internet
Not much service down here unfortunately
Lighting
A nice dimness really sets the mood
Excitement
Considering how off-the-grid and seemingly soundproof these bathrooms are, you could party in here until the AM!
The comfort
Deceptively spacious! Amenities range from a full stall to standing urinal! Visit with your significant other to take advantage of the his-and-hers sinks!
×
The privacy
For a long time, one of the two stalls in the second floor men’s bathroom had no functioning lock while the other stall had no functioning toilet seat. Thus, a diarrheal dilemma ensued. Sacrifice privacy for a place to park your rear? Or sacrifice your piss-covered ass so you don’t get walked in on?
Odor
Smells fine, probably because no one in their right mind would shit in here.
Internet
Pretty good coverage, so you can record your latest podcast
Lighting
Gloomier than the future of journalism
Excitement
I’ll admit, there’s no rush quite like pooping where anyone can walk in on you
The comfort
There’s nothing worse than entering a bathroom and getting an eerie feeling that you’re a part of some psycho Medill student’s fucked-up social experiment.
Worst: MFC (second floor)
The privacy
For a long time, one of the two stalls in the second floor men’s bathroom had no functioning lock while the other stall had no functioning toilet seat. Thus, a diarrheal dilemma ensued. Sacrifice privacy for a place to park your rear? Or sacrifice your piss-covered ass so you don’t get walked in on?
Odor
Smells fine, probably because no one in their right mind would shit in here.
Internet
Pretty good coverage, so you can record your latest podcast
Lighting
Gloomier than the future of journalism
Excitement
I’ll admit, there’s no rush quite like pooping where anyone can walk in on you
The comfort
There’s nothing worse than entering a bathroom and getting an eerie feeling that you’re a part of some psycho Medill student’s fucked-up social experiment.
×
The privacy
The tall door entrance is the first sign of luxury, and the door’s thickness muffles all of the sounds you might produce in this late-night safe space
Odor
Whatever they’re feeding the kids in Allison slips right by with no scent. All I can smell is whatever’s cooking up from the kitchen outside, which sometimes smells worse than a plop
Internet
The TikToks I made in this bathroom post in less than thirty seconds, which is a record speed for eduroam
Lighting
The ceiling and mirror lights are bright and flattering. There’s something in that lighting that clears up your complexion in the mirror. If you make any TikToks like I mentioned above, the lighting will chisel your jawline. Skip whatever depression lamp appointment SPAC offers and bring your sculpted booty over here
Excitement
Many theater majors hang out around here, so depending on who you are, that can suck the life out of you or add some Broadway magic to your shitting experience
The comfort
Unless you’re in the handicap stall, these stalls have some wide cracks in the doors, so there’s a chance you’ll make eye contact with someone during the act.
Best: Shepard Hall
The privacy
The tall door entrance is the first sign of luxury, and the door’s thickness muffles all of the sounds you might produce in this late-night safe space
Odor
Whatever they’re feeding the kids in Allison slips right by with no scent. All I can smell is whatever’s cooking up from the kitchen outside, which sometimes smells worse than a plop
Internet
The TikToks I made in this bathroom post in less than thirty seconds, which is a record speed for eduroam
Lighting
The ceiling and mirror lights are bright and flattering. There’s something in that lighting that clears up your complexion in the mirror. If you make any TikToks like I mentioned above, the lighting will chisel your jawline. Skip whatever depression lamp appointment SPAC offers and bring your sculpted booty over here
Excitement
Many theater majors hang out around here, so depending on who you are, that can suck the life out of you or add some Broadway magic to your shitting experience
The comfort
Unless you’re in the handicap stall, these stalls have some wide cracks in the doors, so there’s a chance you’ll make eye contact with someone during the act.
×
The privacy
Well, someone has walked in on me multiple times in this bathroom. And after large lectures, you become trapped in a revolving door of people.
Odor
To be fair, I don’t think I’ve ever detected a stench in this bathroom. But also women don’t poop so maybe that’s why
Internet
Usually too overwhelmed by Tech’s stressful environment to even go on my phone.
Lighting
Cold and aloof, will make you think only of the aerodynamics of your plop
Excitement
One of the stalls (the one I used) does not lock properly, so mid-pee, prepare that door to swing right open at you. Pretty exhilarating.
The comfort
The stressful vibes of Tech seep into the whole pre to post bowel movement experience. The toilet seats are chilly, fitting for the cold environment. When it’s time to wash your hands, you can’t help but make awkward mirror eye contact with the other two people wedged against you.
Worst: Tech (first floor) – Let’s shit on this bathroom.
The privacy
Well, someone has walked in on me multiple times in this bathroom. And after large lectures, you become trapped in a revolving door of people.
Odor
To be fair, I don’t think I’ve ever detected a stench in this bathroom. But also women don’t poop so maybe that’s why
Internet
Usually too overwhelmed by Tech’s stressful environment to even go on my phone.
Lighting
Cold and aloof, will make you think only of the aerodynamics of your plop
Excitement
One of the stalls (the one I used) does not lock properly, so mid-pee, prepare that door to swing right open at you. Pretty exhilarating.
The comfort
The stressful vibes of Tech seep into the whole pre to post bowel movement experience. The toilet seats are chilly, fitting for the cold environment. When it’s time to wash your hands, you can’t help but make awkward mirror eye contact with the other two people wedged against you.