Unfortunately, the iconic blunt rotation from That ‘70s Show is the exception, not the rule. In a vast sea of students, faculty and Evanstonian stoners, it’s important to scope out campus characters that would kill the vibe. Consider this a guide to the groups on campus you can overlook the next time you organize a smoke sesh.

Anyone who’s ever said, “I actually thought that gen chem test went really well!”

If a STEM student can get through a chem sequence at this school without seriously reconsidering their life choices, good for them. However, you know they probably stink, because even personal hygiene can’t get in the way of their love of stoichiometry. If they ever stumble upon your rotation, make a quick escape by reminding them of how much SESP homework you’re drowning in.

WASP moms on their morning walks across campus

While a lululemon-sponsored blunt rotation sounds intriguing, suburban MILFs will probably try to rope you into their latest multi-tiered skin-care business. If you do let them and their crusty white dogs into the rotation, be prepared for questions such as “Is this marijuana organic?” and “What is a sativa?” Skip the hassle by hosting your smoke sessions at the same time as Sunday brunch.

The previous Willie the Wildcat

To preface, I love Willie — who doesn’t? But, the old Willie the Wildcat, the one with the eyes of someone who’s taken a few dozen hits too many? He looks like the nightmarish omen of an impending green-out. Cross the purple version of the Cat in the Hat off your invite list and stick with our sexy fan-favorite Willie instead.

Snapchatters who post “Roll Reza’s” on their story

Listen, spending Friday night getting hammered at your local Mediterranean & Persian restaurant happens to the best of us. However, posting a #collegelife selfie on a vacant dance floor while getting outnumbered by families enjoying lamb kebabs? Not it. Stay mysterious, have some restraint. Inviting a rampant Reza’s snapchatter to your blunt session is just asking for their desperate party-chasing entourage to pull up.

The Northwestern Financial Aid Office

Talk about not sharing the wealth. These people will find a way to drain a joint faster than your bank account. If they’re supplying, get ready to be harassed with some charming Venmo request like, “miscalculated :( need $10.50 ASAP.” We’re in a recession. I am begging you to leave us alone.

Northwestern University church recruiters

You all know who I’m talking about. The herds of people that walk around campus soliciting students to join their holy Bible rotation. I’d skip reminding them that “left is law” unless you want a lecture about how there are better ways to ascend. Want to avoid getting pestered about their latest Bible study session between hits? Offer up an extra edible and soon, we’ll all be feeling a little closer to God.


Writing Natalia Zadeh

Editing Julia Lucas

Print Design Alex Miranda

Web Design & Development Aditi Ram